Road Rage ... Grrr

I had an experience last Sunday that scared the crap out of me.

On Sunday afternoon, I had borrowed the girlfriend's car to go round a friends house. I'd just reached the end of our road (crossroads junction) and was indicating left. Some guy in a big silver car was opposite and from the looks of his indicators he was going straight on.

So I start to turn left... and so does he (well... his right, my left). I slam on the brakes and make some kind of rushed generic gesture to convey that I think he's a prat.

After he sods off, I finally get to turn left only to find myself driving directly behind this moron. He's doing about 15 mph and making funny faces at me in the mirror.

Suddenly he slams on the brakes and I'm forced to do the same (ABS is god!)

The next thing I know, the missing link is standing at my window hurling a tirade of abuse and profanity in full on Road Rage mode.

It may be my minds eye just inflating his image, but I swear that he had forearms like Popeye and scuff marks on his knuckles. Bald... dark glasses. No neck and a barrel chest. Just imagine one of those Neanderthal bouncers who stand around outside pubs looking not too bright...

In fact, I got a particularly close look at his forearms as he was using them to reach through the window (not literally... the window was open) and manhandle my head.

He swore a whole lot more and then got back in his car and sodded off.

All the while through this I could hear his woman screaming hysterically in the car (presumably saying, "No Dave! Remember you're on parole!")

To be honest, I was so shocked that I didn't think to get his registration.

The worst part of this is that an event of this nature will play over and over in your mind for days afterwards. What if I'd picked up my mobile and photographed him? What if I'd backed the car away? Would things have been different if I were driving the Landy or riding the bike? Should I have bitten a chunk out of his forearm whilst it was clamped over my face!?

Maybe I shouldn't have sworn at him for not using his indicators. To be honest, this is a subject that really touches a nerve with me as I ride a bike (if you ride a bike, you get used to car users driving by zen navigation.)

In fact, I had one of those experiences on the way in to work this morning. I was on my bike.

There I was, just turning onto the Industrial Estate where SpudCorp is situated. I noticed a small van (one of those Escort estate vans) belonging to one of the electricity companies. He was parked in the familiar position of 10 metres from the mouth of the road, just in front of the big sign that says which company is in which unit. This is a particularly annoying place to stop as cars coming round the corner usually have to think quickly to avoid the 'parked' car.

At this point, I'd just like to reiterate that he's parked. At the side of the road. Not moving.

So I go to move around his car... which starts moving off.

I immediately drop in behind him (perhaps cursing slightly, but that's between me and my visor)

He then slows right down, forcing me to move to the right (in a position that would carry me past him... probably gesticulating wildly)...

Unfortunately, his sudden change in forward velocity was a prelude to pulling a really sharp u-turn... through the position my bike is currently occupying.

Brakes were slung on, wheels lock (bikes don't have ABS... meh!) and I manage to skid around his car and end up stopped about 2 metres in front... rather shaken (but not stirred!)

The guy must have nearly shat himself when my side stand went down... I found myself standing at his window pointing at his indicator switch....

"LOOK! INDICATORS! BLOODY USE THEM! I'M SICK OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU PULLING OUT IN FRONT OF ME!"

Considering that I'd nearly just been knocked off my bike, I remained remarkably calm. I can honestly say I wasn't feeling violent, just frustrated. I was quite please with myself afterwards... despite nearly having my bike spread across the road, I'd stayed calm and had even managed to avoid swearing (well... "Bloody"... but that's a whole lot better than "YOU CHILD F&*^%$G C$%K LICKING C$*T BUBBLE!")

Now I know there are 'certain' similarities between the events of this morning, and the encounter with 'Clyde' last Sunday. But I'd like to point out that I wasn't losing my temper!

I suppose the fault of this morning's incident ultimately lies with me. I forgot the number one law of riding a motorcycle - If another driver is in the position to try to kill you, then they'll almost certainly take the opportunity.